Ideally, a dialogue about financial and estate planning should begin when the elders are still healthy and fully competent, but unfortunately many families don't discuss these matters until a crisis hits, which is the worst time to have to make important decisions.

As you begin this dialogue with your elders, emphasize that your motives are to be sure they remain healthy and financially secure, and that you do not intend to start running their lives. Aging is difficult enough for seniors, and you don't want them to feel they are losing either their privacy or control over their own destiny. To the extent they are able, elders should continue to be involved in decision-making: your objective should be to assist them in the least intrusive way possible.

If you uncover problems, resist the urge to jump in to fix them all at once, unless the situation is so serious that immediate intervention is essential for health or safety. Instead, help your parents prioritize the issues and identify the resources and people who can help. Avoid being critical or judgmental.

In some families with more than one adult child, one of them might be the logical person to take charge of the situation because of geographic convenience or competence, but care must be taken to avoid offending siblings. Help your elders assign areas of responsibility: for example, one of you can monitor the finances, and another can take charge of health and medical issues.

Encourage your elders to open lines of communication between you and their professional advisors, so that when the need eventually arises for you to intervene, all of you will already be familiar with the situation and one another.

If you don't live nearby, and therefore might not be familiar with the resources available in their area, it might be helpful to seek professional advice to facilitate the process. Contact the department of elder services in your elder's town and inquire about their resources. They might have elder care specialists on staff who are trained to help families share essential information, identify problem areas, and assist with finding solutions. The National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers 520-881-8008, www.caremanager.org) may be able to help you locate the service providers you need.